Too Late
by BlackCrucifix
Summary: Both of them knew it was over before it even started. But that couldn't stop them from making it happen. Or: The 30 episodes of Castiel realizing just how much he cares. (My NaNoWriMo challenge to myself. It's all small one shots, but they make a big picture. Can probably be seen as (mainly one-sided) Destiel.)
1. Too Late

_Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_  
 _I'm so lost in Supernatural-hell (heaven? I don't know at this point) that I HAD to center NaNoWriMo around it. And since I know that I simply lack the ability to write a full-fledged novel within one month, I decided to do a challenge - start off with a drabble on day 1. Then a double drabble on day 2...you get the idea._  
 _At first I didn't want to upload it here, because I was scared I wouldn't keep it up, but after five successful days, there is hope! I can do this! I will do this._

 _A last small note: I'm trying to let this follow the plot as closely as possible, but I will not implement full dialogues from the episodes, first off because I rarely watch the show in English, and secondly because the word restrictions make that really difficult! xD_

* * *

The second Castiel laid his hand on the violated man's shoulder, he knew it was already too late.

Too late to prevent him from the pain. Too late to say it was going to be alright. Because it wasn't.

It was too late.

The second he let go of the very same shoulder, he knew it was in fact way too late.

Too late to prevent himself from falling, in more ways than one. Too late to convince himself that heaven was his only sanctuary, the only thing he cared about. Because that wasn't true anymore.

It was too late.


	2. Unknown Feelings

Being called was entirely different than calling someone. That was partly because while Dean did not understand Castiel's words directed at him, the angel very well understood his. Understood; and chose to ignore.

But when the man with the tortured soul, blind for his own pain, looking for answers, desperately longed to find him, summoned him, Castiel had no choice but to obey. Never had he been summoned with feelings like these.

The knife that pierced through his chest when he came to a halt hurt, but not in the way anyone would imagine. He didn't feel physical pain, as the blade didn't have the power to harm him. The pain was in the look Dean Winchester gave him, the hatred in his eyes. Distrust, suspicion.

 _Why_ , was all he could think. _Why does it hurt how much he hates me?_

But there was one singular thing that was even worse than all that. Worse than the despite and disdain in those emerald green eyes.

And that was the fact that Dean Winchester was very obviously questioning not _why_ he had been saved, but why _he_ had been saved, out of all people.

It hurt, in ways Castiel didn't understand.


	3. Inevitable Pain

Sometimes, words weren't powerful enough to prove the truth. Humans were very quick to get blinded by their own feelings, that much Castiel had already learned about them. Maybe that was the reason why he decided to show Dean the truth about his parents' past, about Mary Campbell being a hunter, about the inevitable deal with Azazel that she would make, no matter what happened.

Perhaps, if Dean understood that fate couldn't be changed, and that some things just could not be prevented, then he would understand why it was so important that he stopped Sam.

"You need to stop Sam. Or I will."

Castiel hoped, _begged_ that Dean understood. If Sam didn't finally understand what he was doing, he would leave none of them a choice but to obliterate him.

But what Castiel found in Dean's eyes when he spoke was not understanding. He seemed to accept it as something he would be unable to stop, but the most prominent emotion he gave away was the one that Castiel wanted to see the least: _fear._

Dean was afraid, not only of losing Sam, but of being unable to even try stopping it. Having to watch his brother, whom he had raised, be killed by the angel who had raised _him_ from perdition.

And said angel really wanted to understand, to ease the pain for Dean, but all this was so incredible human and thus alien to him that he didn't know what to do to make it better.

So what he ended up doing, even though he knew it would definitely not make things better, was...nothing. No word, no action.

Maybe he would regret it later, but for now, even more than wanting to help, he wanted to flee from what the pain on Dean's face caused him.

 _Anguish._


	4. Honesty

There was a very good thing about unfailingly taking orders; it meant not having to worry about right or wrong, or if a task was actually even possible. Taking the order to do it meant: you do it. And nothing else mattered.

However, if anyone were able to read his mind, Castiel couldn't have denied that he wasn't necessarily happy with possibly having to smite this small, mostly peaceful town. The people here, all of them, were his father's creation, and seeing their deaths as a necessity hurt him.

He prayed, and he wasn't even sure to whom at this point, that Dean would make the decision to fight for this town, instead of giving in. Uriel would try hard to convince the Winchesters to obliterate the town, and the only thing Castiel could do was hope that their resolve was strong enough to withstand that. Because even though he didn't have a say in what was going to happen, he still had an opinion.

It didn't really matter what Castiel thought was right. His order, even though he couldn't spill it out to the Winchesters at this point, were absolute. And that's why he was so glad about how heavily Sam and Dean insisted on saving the people.

With every newly broken seal, Castiel could feel the weight of heaven crashing down right above their heads. Of course Uriel wasn't exactly happy about the broken seal, that was obvious, but that was not what Castiel cared about.

He didn't know nearly as much about Dean as anyone would think, regarding the fact that he was basically _his_ angel, who saved him. That's why he needed to do, needed to _say_ something to assure him that his choice was not necessarily a bad thing – just the outcome was anything but desirable.

He decided, just this once, to be entirely honest with Dean. Let him know that he had prayed for the Winchesters to save the town. Admit that their true orders had never been to erase the town, but to act on Dean's command.

And maybe, even though he knew he shouldn't, he would be entirely honest. About his feelings. His questions, his doubts, and the fact that he was not the reckless soldier Dean saw in him.

It was a dangerous and probably naive thing to do, but at the same time, nothing else seemed more important than that.


	5. Care

Threatening people had never been something Castiel particularly liked. It made the reason to do it seem like not a rightful necessity, but a cruel personal choice. Of course that wasn't really the case, but it didn't change the fact that threatening to kill Sam so Dean would hand over Anna, had felt entirely awful and nothing but wrong.

In the aftermath, it didn't really matter. He and Uriel had been tricked, and both Anna and Alastair had fled from them again.

With every single day, he was getting sicker of this hide-and-seek game, no matter who it involved, and with every single day, he got sicker of seeing both Dean _and_ Sam question and hate them, the angels, more and more. Weren't they supposed to teach them how to believe? To accept their roles in what was happening?

But Castiel knew that none of his feelings were allowed to matter. He had a mission to carry out, and nothing else was important.

But why, if nothing else had any real meaning, did he feel the need to tell Dean about the fact that he was different, when he asked why he was an exception to _whatever dies should stay dead_?

He hadn't been ordered to say that, and he wasn't obliged to tell Dean anything that wasn't part of the plan to stop Lucifer.

But when Castiel looked into those emerald green eyes, maybe even further, maybe right through them, the pain Dean was going through was way too much to bear.

The burden Heaven put on the Winchesters wasn't fair, and nothing any human should be forced to carry. So the only thing Castiel could do was to let Dean know that he had a special role, to assure him that there was a reason that other people were dying and yet he lived.

It didn't matter how much these words meant to Castiel _personally_ , and he wouldn't spill it out. But when he was able to _say_ it, he knew it meant a lot for himself, too.

Never before had he dared to question Heaven's choices, or the tasks he had been given. Never had he felt the need to justify his actions towards anyone, let alone a human, because he knew he was carrying out justice's order.

But Dean, and it brought the smallest smile on Castiel's lips, was _different_. In so many kinds of ways that it was impossible to put in words.

It surely didn't set things right, and wasn't the explanation the Winchesters wanted, but it was all he could give, and all that

mattered to him at this point.

Sure, many of the other angels doubted the choice to make Castiel the one to save Dean, because he loved humanity so much, but maybe, so Castiel dared to hope and believe, that was _exactly_ the reason he had been chosen.

Because God knew he would carry out this mission. He would always care about humanity.

And he would always care about Dean.


	6. Shattering Belief

The pain of finding one of his siblings dead was probably the closest that Castiel would ever get to understanding human feelings, so he thought. It was a definite, overwhelming experience that he wished upon no one, even though he knew that heaven welcomed every human with their best memories. But angels…  
They had to act quickly, and having captured Alastair, they finally had a chance to find out who was responsible for these killings. It had to stop, the earlier the better. And even so, Uriel's idea of getting the necessary information was hardly anything that Castiel would want.

It was obvious that Dean wouldn't just obey and play their tormenter, but it was also not a secret that he had a special set of skills that would prove quite useful for the task.  
That's why Castiel believed, forced himself to believe that tearing Dean from Sam and downright forcing him to do it, was the only thing they _could_ do.  
He felt Dean's anger without looking at him. He wanted to somehow let him know that he cared enough, to assure him he didn't want to do this, and maybe, just _maybe_ , that was the reason Dean wished for Uriel to leave them alone.  
It was weird. Out of all angels, Castiel hadn't thought that he would be the one that Dean trusted. He was disappointed and had been used for their means more than just once. Yet, he wanted to talk to him, showed some sort of _faith_ , even if it wasn't the kind that Castiel wished he had.  
While it was quite unusual for anyone to give him a nickname, Dean did. There was no real reason for it, Castiel thought, and still, wasn't that something friends were supposed to do? Family? People who trusted each other?

"Tell them you don't want me to do this."

It was ridiculous. Of course he didn't, but what would that change? He had already been placed under Uriel's command because of the affection he showed for not only humans, but this one in particular. What was there that Castiel could do?

"Believe me...I'd do anything so that you don't have to go in there."

To Dean, it probably sounded like a throw-away sentence Castiel would say to anyone so that they would believe it. But reality couldn't possibly be further from the truth.

"This is nothing I want. But we need you to do this, so these killings finally stop."

For the first time during all this, he dared to _honestly_ meet Dean's eyes, maybe to prove that he wasn't lying, that all of this was the truth. That he could never want this.  
And Dean believed.

But why, if all of this was necessary, needed to be done, did Anna's words hurt so much? Why did Castiel want nothing more than to tear Dean out of that room and free him from the burden on his shoulders?  
This feeling, the pain of seeing _his_ protégé have to do these horrible things he wanted so desperately to forget. It was almost worse than looking at his brothers and sisters' dead vessels on the streets.  
Never before had Castiel's doubts been bigger.  
And never before had he considered treason more.

Seeing Uriel die made Castiel feel dirty. As if he were betraying Heaven's orders, even though he had been attacked by his brother first.  
He had always thought that killing each other was a very human trait that the angels didn't share.  
But soon, he would learn that there were even more things they had in common with each other.


	7. Faith

After all that had happened, the last thing Castiel had hoped to see in Dean was any kind of faith. Be it in him, any other angel or Heaven overall.  
That's why he found it hard to explain his pleasure upon Dean actually _praying_ for him to help him, praying as if he actually meant it – and maybe he did. It was impossible not to react to the call.  
And maybe that was also the reason that Castiel, even though he knew it was not his place to help the Winchesters at this point, gave Dean the one hint that he needed to ensure Sam's safety – even if it meant risking to get in trouble for endangering the prophet.  
Because what did this prophet's life mean to him, personally, compared to Dean's trust?

Maybe he should tell Dean at some point, Castiel figured. About everything that was going on. Heaven's plan – at least as much as he knew about it – the necessary sacrifices that needed to be made, and also about how intense his doubts had actually become in the short time he had spent on earth.  
That was why he visited Dean in one of his dreams. What he didn't know though, was the punishment he would face for even just trying.

Being torn back to Heaven had taught Castiel many things, and the way Jimmy Novak tried to keep him out only added to that. Castiel wanted to believe that people had faith. In the angels, in God and in the Greater Good. But all he had learned from the past was that humans believed for only as long as they needed help.  
They easily took, but hardly ever gave anything back. Was that really worth fighting for? This whole place was full of hatred, pain and destruction – nothing down here was desirable, and more than anything, Castiel just wanted to leave earth as soon as he could.  
 _You're lying to yourself_ , was what his mind told him. _And you know it._  
Was he being brainwashed by the angels? Was seeing what was going on in Heaven, and seeing what happened down on earth, just manipulating him to look for something to fight for? Was he too weak to make his own decisions?  
 _No_ , was what he wanted to think. It was his duty as a servant of God to do exactly that: Serve God.  
But why, if that was his destiny, did it feel so wrong?

Castiel had expected Dean to forget about him and pray to someone, maybe something else for help. After all, the angel had made it very clear that he only served Heaven, neither humanity nor Dean.  
Yet, the pleads for him to help the Winchesters were so crystal clear, so honest and desperate, that he found himself unable to ignore them.

"Sam could kill Lilith," he explained upon being asked. "But the amount of demon blood needed for it would make him inhumane."

That was the truth, even though part of the reason he put so much emphasis on that was because Dean cared about Sam.  
Was Castiel trying to manipulating Dean? He didn't know, honestly, and maybe he didn't want to. And it probably didn't matter, because at the end of it all, he, who had tried to assure Dean that Sam could be saved, could be cured, was the one to set the latter free and make way for him to find and kill Lilith.  
Because that was the order Heaven had placed on him, wasn't it?

There was no room for personal issues, for _feelings_ that the angels weren't even supposed to have. The only thing that mattered was bringing peace to the world, even if it meant having to accept sacrifices in the course of it.  
 _Heaven will have mercy_ , was all that Castiel could think. _When this is all over, things will finally start making sense.  
_ He tried to believe, as it was all he _could_ do.  
Rebelling hadn't done Anna any good, and he wasn't going to fall for something as finite as humanity like she had.  
Maybe in a hundred years, he would have already forgotten about all this. No one would question his loyalty.


End file.
